Losing The Woman Within In Motherhood

Part 1

This is a series detailing my work and it's themes outlining case studies from the transformative journeys of women I have worked with.

First, we begin with my own story and journey into developing and maintaining my identity during my first major transitional stage of life. Here, you will learn my 'why' and read about the moment I started realising how my work could hugely help and benefit other women who are navigating their own life transitions.

With my daughter not long after the birth of my third baby and wearing the big black sunglasses that are obligatory for a tired new mummy

I started this work primarily because I met many new mothers when I had my first baby... a lot of them seemed to be really struggling.

Aside from dealing with the life changing event of suddenly having a tiny human to take care of, to keep happy, fed, changed and well... alive, there was a growing sense that they would never again be the carefree, fun loving woman they once were. I know many mothers can relate to this. Whether they instantly recognised that their body, their energy levels and their personal sense of self had irrevocably altered or, they floated blissfully through the early newborn days only to realise 10 years on that they haven't taken a moment to themselves in all that time to figure out who they are now as a woman, motherhood is the first critically life changing event where a woman can often completely lose and forget all about herself. Many turn away from their own needs, their previous desires and ambitions and quite often, the mirror for fear that they will notice something they are hugely unsatisfied with. For many, their body becomes unrecognisable from their pre natal form. For others, they slip into a mummy uniform of comfortable jeans and t shirt, the previous effort and joy in getting dressed for the day ahead having completely abandoned them. Many mothers at some point come to the realisation that they have lost connection to that lust for life and have signed off from the pursuit of their previous passions... I know because I have worked with many of them. I knew early on that it was going to be my purpose to guide women back to themselves following on from becoming mothers and help them to reconnect to their own value as sovereign women. I set out to help them realise they didn’t need to become defined only as a woman who had birthed another human.

I understood how a new mother could find herself so lost. Motherhood is hard, it is a most wonderful blessing and a joyous gift but, we as women can never quite be and feel the same about ourselves and our lives again.

When my own body changed after having my first son aged 24, I really suffered with the knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to fit back into my pre baby clothes again and, I was right. I never did bounce back to my pre baby shape. On top of the loss of my figure, I was exhausted all the time, constantly stressed about whether I was doing the right thing for my baby and I worried I would never again enjoy a child free evening... it was all quite the frightening experience. How did I help myself in overcoming what could have been an even more difficult phase? I dressed. I went out and purchased clothes that I loved from charity shops and sales and slowly started rebuilding my wardrobe to a place where I could recognise myself again, to the point where I could still feel like me and still enjoy that act of getting dressed each and every day as I always had before motherhood. I obviously didn’t have the time I had previously enjoyed to put together my outfits but, I became adept at choosing clothes quickly.... my priority had shifted of course to making sure my baby was cared for and happy but...I knew my happiness must still be a priority also. I knew that if I allowed myself to let go of that hugely intrinsic side of myself, she who truly loved clothes and dressing up for every day, that it would become more difficult to maintain or reclaim that side of myself as time went by. I wasn't going to lose my identity. And, it made every day that little bit easier. I felt more prepared to face whatever the day threw at me...even if that thing was my baby throwing up or peeing on me.. yes, that did happen... my little bundle of joy once peed on me and my beautiful silk blouse when I took him to get weighed. What did I do? I laughed and went home to change my blouse before meeting my mother for lunch. Because, you have to laugh. You have to not take everything so seriously or worry about your clothes being spoilt when you're a new mother...they are just pieces of fabric at the end of the day albeit important pieces of fabric if they help make you feel better about yourself. I also learnt that accessories were the perfect way to elevate how I felt in the early days when I was still building a new wardrobe. I might not be able to fit into that old pre baby weight dress but, I could still fit into that lovely pair of earrings and, not only did I feel like my old self when I applied my favourite shade of red lipstick but, my baby and other small children seemed to become hugely transfixed and entertained by my red lips. It was a win win situation ( I just learned I had to buy those long lasting formulas so that my son didn't end up with red kisses all over his forehead.

Red lipstick became one of my style signatures. Albeit a long lasting formula so that my children wouldn't get covered in endless red lipstick kisses

Many women with babies and children didn’t understand why I made the effort just to go to playgroups. I would see their judgy, confused stares but, I also recognised that they were quickly beginning to lose their own identity and were feeling that loss sorely. I explained to those who were bold enough to ask me why (and more intriguingly to them...how) I dressed up so much just to go the park, that it was an important part of staying connected to the woman I was deep within even though my life had hugely shifted just as theirs had. I told them that I only owned lovely clothes which helped a great deal because it meant that I didn't have the option to reach for something less than lovely just because it was the 'most practical' garment. I could still do everything they did wearing a lovely dress, this was where I realised their way of thinking needed a reframe.

In the park with my firstborn and pregnant with my daughter. Wearing the pretty sundress and red lipstick that were so important to me

I realised that these mummys struggled to connect with their pre mummy selves and that they felt that everything now needed to change for them, possibly because they didn't feel they deserved to direct care and time towards themselves any more. Having a baby can do that. A mother worries she would appear vain and selfish if she god forbid thought about herself for a moment. But, of course we need to still think about ourselves, not only for our own benefit but for that of our partners and our children. If we no longer recognise ourselves, how would our partner still be able to recognise the woman he fell in love with? And what message would we be sending to our children if we set the example that a woman must give herself over entirely to her child the moment she becomes post partum?

I struggled with the changes within my own body after my first child. My stomach was now considerably softer and more jiggly than it had been before birth but, I realised I was still 'me' beneath it all and I soon rectified that issue with a big pair of tummy control knickers (I still love and wear these). I knew that my change of size and circumstances did not mean that I didn’t deserve to wear lovely clothes and feel good about myself. This was a state of mind I quickly realised became an overriding theme with mothers...this lack of realisation that they still deserved to feel lovely even though they had a child to take care of. It began the moment they gave birth and, it continued on way past the early days of motherhood. The longer they felt they didn’t have a right to take pride and pleasure in their appearance and their own passions, the harder it was to get back that sense of self and identity. I met women who had previously had careers in fashion, marketing, beauty, all sorts of exciting and glamorous roles only now, that part of their life was far behind them and those glamorous clothes? Firmly consigned to the dark depths of their wardrobes. It felt so sad to see them give themselves over so entirely to this new phase of life, that they had completely forgotten who they had once been. I promised myself that I would make it my goal to help these women reconnect with themselves at a later date. I knew that there would come a time where they would begin to suffer with the loss. I was right. Some of these women did indeed become clients later on once they inevitably came to the stage where they looked at themselves and wondered where on earth they had disappeared to.

Three children later. A photo shoot to promote my first foray into Burlesque

So, this is my story. It is the story that led me to do the work I feel is so important for women. We move through so many major transitions in our lives that it is important we manage to keep reclaiming ourselves again and again even if this means a complete reinvention is needed. Because, we deserve so much more than to suffer the loss of ourselves...the dreams, the looks, the passions, the bond to ourselves and to others.

Each transitional phase is the perfect time to re calibrate and come home to who we really are... perhaps that will mean returning to the woman we once were a long time ago or perhaps it will involve meeting and stepping into a newer version of ourselves, the woman we have always longed to be. It's never too late and the circumstances are never so difficult that we can't make those changes. It is only what we as women deserve for ourselves.