The Woman Who Lost Herself In Motherhood Part 2 Client Transformation Journal

I love working with women who have lost themselves through motherhood because I understand so well how it can happen. In this Transformational Journal I talk about a particular lady who struggled with the separation from her former glamorous career as she moved into the early days of bringing up a child.

Evie had enjoyed a hugely glamorous career before having her first baby. She had worked within the fashion marketing industry where fashion parties, launches and photo shoots were a normal part of her day. When I met her she told me she struggled with the monotonous, day to day activities with her small daughter, she felt her life was now an endless cycle of toddler groups and playgrounds. Suddenly she felt cut off from her previous lifestyle where wearing high heels had been the usual footwear of choice and designer samples had happily peppered her wardrobe, ready to be worn out for the usual swish client lunches. Evie now felt uncomfortable wearing the clothes from her previous life but she really didn't want to succumb to the usual 'mummy uniform' of leggings and t-shirts. She came to me saying 'I don't know who to be now I am suddenly not who I was'

This is a common feeling amongst new mothers but they supress the concern thinking that they must continue on stepping into this new role whatever their feelings about the disconnect from their old lives. If they even begin to consider and feel the pain of the loss of themselves, they experience massive pangs of guilt because after all...they chose to have a baby, they should just put up and shut up yes?! Often they delay doing anything to change how stuck and lost they feel... "Maybe I'll do something about it when the baby is older", "Maybe when the little one is at school", "Maybe once the teenager is at university"...you can see where this leads to...the delay in coming back to who a woman is aside from a mother very slowly becomes a more ingrained disconnect that over time creates a huge chasm between the woman she was and the woman she would still like to be until one day, it just feels too wide to cross. I have seen this so often in my work.

Evie knew that she didn't want to completely leave her old self behind, the one who enjoyed dressing up for her previous role but she knew that things were different now. She had always enjoyed wearing red lipstick but she felt judged by the other mums.

This is something I totally resonated from having experienced this in my early days of motherhood "This is purely a reflection of their own feelings about how they themselves have left behind any aspects of their former selves and glamour" I explained to her.... "They are often also struggling to feel into this new incarnation of themselves"

Women can be extremely judgemental when they're own pain points are triggered.

When we began working together,

I asked Evie what she wanted to remain from her self before motherhood......I asked her what she desired for herself...

She quickly told me she didn’t think that she should be thinking about herself so much now she had a child...I told her this was where she was wrong. I told her that she had already realised that she was not feeling wholly satisfied within this new role...not that she was unhappy having a small child to look after but that after having stepped into this huge life transition she could already feel her old self slipping away and that taking a little time to think about herself was not taking anything away from her love for her child.

The statistics for cases of postnatal depression is estimated to be between 10% and 15% of mothers, this is about 1 in 7 women. You may wonder why?

After childbirth women experience huge hormonal shifts resulting in a dramatic and rapid drop in estrogen and progesterone, alongside thyroid hormone changes. This directly affects brain chemistry, including mood-regulating serotonin. Many mothers also suffer from exhaustion & stress due to severe sleep deprivation and the physical trauma of giving birth takes a huge toll on the body. Many new mothers also struggle with the psychological triggers of overwhelm, anxiety around caring for a newborn, and feel a deep loss of personal identity or control.

Not feeling like ourselves is sometimes linked to mild post natal depression and it is a natural symptom post childbirth so, while some women may well think it's selfish or vain to worry about the disconnection from their former self after having a child the simple response to this is that it is not a trivial concern. Our mental and emotional health is important for sustaining our capacity for looking after our offspring so really, taking a little extra time to pop on some make up or choose an outfit that is more 'you' is not a superficial or selfish act of self care.

A lot of women think it is now inappropriate to wear something like red lipstick or a shorter dress when they become mothers. You can see how it can become a slippery slope towards mumsy style. We can often lose our connection to our sexuality, our glamour and even our femininity as we are now dressing for function and no longer our more pre-mother self.

When I worked with Evie I gave her some practices to work through as she began to rebuild her sense of self and style expression whilst navigating this particular phase of her life, here are a few below;

• Write a non negotiable list of what she wanted to keep of her old self for example, the red lipstick, the heeled shoes, the femininity, the curated, fashionable signsture style she had been known for...

• Source lipsticks that didn't leave a big red mark on her child's face every time she kissed her, or shoes that added the height she was used to but didn't sink into grassy park surfaces (eg, wedges or block heels) and...know that her personal expression of femininity and style is an important vehicle for her own mental wellbeing.

• Consider what she wanted her Style Legacy to be ie, how she wanted her daughter to sense, feel and remember her now and in the future. (More on Style Legacy in a future blog)

• Note down what she thought she might like to explore style wise now she was in a new phase of life. A mother should think of having a child as a rebirth for herself (not a death of the self)

• Make a note of what isn’t right for her just now while her child was small but that she would return to (for some it is high heels, for others it's dresses whilst they're breastfeeding feeding or long dangling earrings that get pulled by a small baby or child)

• Invite one item into her outfit for the day that helps her connect to her sense of self, her creative expression, her style, her sensuality and/or her glamour!

Evie went on to start feeling so much better about expressing who she truly was as a woman as she contended with the daily battles of life with a young child. She found that her mental health improved and was excited to keep working on herself as she evolved through the different phases of motherhood.

I hope some of you found this ClientTransformational Journal helpful and inspiring. I look forward to sharing more with you in the near future!

Sending you much love & glamour

Laura 💋